There are benefits of being punched in the life. Because I've always had so little energy but loved to accomplish things, I've been forced to find the most efficient ways to direct my time. Because so many people including doctors didn't get what was happening to me, I learned to trust my own judgment and be independent of others' opinions.
I discovered the simple test for discerning between healthy and unhealthy relationships. If I can't keep up but I'm still treated well both to my face and behind my back, I'm in a friendship worthy of what little energy I can invest in it. Often I was shocked to find out how much effort I had poured into a relationship that failed that test. But many times I've been humbled to realize how many people loved me in spite of my inabilities.
It's easy to become discouraged by the endless list of should-have-dones, but looking instead at what I have achieved, especially in pain, with fatigue, and lacking resources, I can be proud of who I am.
I am a master of time management.
I am a master of ignoring the haters.
I am a master of positive attitude.
I am a master of differentiating needs from wants.
I am a master of organization.
I am a master of self-motivation.
I can give myself permission to rest when I need to rest because I need to rest. I can say that I have done everything I can do, to be the best I can be, for God's glory and my family's well-being.
I. Can. Get. It. Done.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thought I Was a Narcolept
I have a sort of phobia about any event that will take me away from home, last very long, or require effort, because I never know when I will suddenly and inexplicably become incredibly and uncontrollably sleepy. We're not talking about the kind of sleepy you can shake off by moving around or talking.
It doesn't matter whether I slept well last night (which for years I didn't). What time I go to bed or get up makes no difference. No amount of coffee, energy drinks, or exercise can stave it off.
It isn't laziness.
It isn't depression.
I researched narcolepsy some time ago but it wasn't feasible to get myself tested, and the treatment plans I read about were common-sense self-care ideas I already used or prescription drugs I didn't want.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001805/
The two most heartbreaking side effects of sudden sleepiness are not being able to follow through with activities I want to engage in, particularly with people I love, and being presumed snobbish or rude. I can feel myself starting to fade, I lose the ability to focus on conversation, my muscle strength disappears, and I have to intentionally maintain a pleasant facial expression because I apparently look angry or upset if I don't. It's hard to hold your face up when you're sleeping.
I wish I could hold a couple of jobs. I love working, I like people, and I enjoy busyness. I want to get up early every morning. I love to stay up late at night. I take joy in accomplishing things. I'd love to take classes, and teach classes, and learn new things. But I can't depend on my own self.
It was a huge relief to learn about adrenal exhaustion, to understand why I couldn't stay awake, and to find out I can recover from adrenal exhaustion, whereas narcolepsy would have been a lifelong condition. I'm happy I'm not a narcoleptic, but let me tell you, I can identify with one.
It doesn't matter whether I slept well last night (which for years I didn't). What time I go to bed or get up makes no difference. No amount of coffee, energy drinks, or exercise can stave it off.
It isn't laziness.
It isn't depression.
I researched narcolepsy some time ago but it wasn't feasible to get myself tested, and the treatment plans I read about were common-sense self-care ideas I already used or prescription drugs I didn't want.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001805/
The two most heartbreaking side effects of sudden sleepiness are not being able to follow through with activities I want to engage in, particularly with people I love, and being presumed snobbish or rude. I can feel myself starting to fade, I lose the ability to focus on conversation, my muscle strength disappears, and I have to intentionally maintain a pleasant facial expression because I apparently look angry or upset if I don't. It's hard to hold your face up when you're sleeping.
I wish I could hold a couple of jobs. I love working, I like people, and I enjoy busyness. I want to get up early every morning. I love to stay up late at night. I take joy in accomplishing things. I'd love to take classes, and teach classes, and learn new things. But I can't depend on my own self.
It was a huge relief to learn about adrenal exhaustion, to understand why I couldn't stay awake, and to find out I can recover from adrenal exhaustion, whereas narcolepsy would have been a lifelong condition. I'm happy I'm not a narcoleptic, but let me tell you, I can identify with one.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
What It Feels Like
You know how it feels the day after you've had the flu, when you're not sick anymore but you feel drained of life? That's the tired-all-the-time that adrenal fatigue feels like. It's just that it's every day.
Every muscle and joint aches and burns all the time, some times worse than others. Being always cold makes me tense up, which aggravates the aches.
Headaches are frequent and vary in intensity, and under fluorescent light evolve into migraines. Being always cold...aggravates.
Sinus pain and pressure are constant companions and are affected by atmospheric pressure. Thus, if I come under any physical or emotional stress, or if I fail to drink a half gallon of water a day, or if I lose any sleep, or if I catch a cold, or if the barometer moves, I get a sinus infection. With a sinus headache. Which has the potential to evolve into brain searing, mind shearing, head splitting, ear piercing, suicide inducing, unimaginable, indescribable migraine pain.
My neck and throat always feel tender and swollen. My eyes always burn. My ears always ring. My throat is always dry. My face is always broken out.
I figured out in my early twenties that I was hypoglycemic and taught myself how to manage it as best I could. I didn't learn till my late thirties that hypoglycemia is a symptom of adrenal fatigue. Hypoglycemia causes tremors, heart palpitations, accelerated heart rate, sweating, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, occasionally loss of consciousness, and my personal favorite: headaches.
I'm hungry all the time. Everything I eat makes me feel sick to my stomach. If I don't eat because I don't want to feel sick, I go hypoglycemic. I always have stomach cramps. I never feel full without meat and dairy products, but meat is scarce on my budget and dairy products give me indigestion. Then there are literal pains in the butt that go along with digestive troubles.
The girly cycle brings extra cramps, extra fatigue, extra chills, extra sweating, and hormone headaches. If I know it's coming, I can clear my schedule to get through it more easily and maybe avoid a sinus infection. Unfortunately irregular cycles are related to adrenal fatigue.
Were I not exhausted to begin with, I would be after all of that.
Every muscle and joint aches and burns all the time, some times worse than others. Being always cold makes me tense up, which aggravates the aches.
Headaches are frequent and vary in intensity, and under fluorescent light evolve into migraines. Being always cold...aggravates.
Sinus pain and pressure are constant companions and are affected by atmospheric pressure. Thus, if I come under any physical or emotional stress, or if I fail to drink a half gallon of water a day, or if I lose any sleep, or if I catch a cold, or if the barometer moves, I get a sinus infection. With a sinus headache. Which has the potential to evolve into brain searing, mind shearing, head splitting, ear piercing, suicide inducing, unimaginable, indescribable migraine pain.
My neck and throat always feel tender and swollen. My eyes always burn. My ears always ring. My throat is always dry. My face is always broken out.
I figured out in my early twenties that I was hypoglycemic and taught myself how to manage it as best I could. I didn't learn till my late thirties that hypoglycemia is a symptom of adrenal fatigue. Hypoglycemia causes tremors, heart palpitations, accelerated heart rate, sweating, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, occasionally loss of consciousness, and my personal favorite: headaches.
I'm hungry all the time. Everything I eat makes me feel sick to my stomach. If I don't eat because I don't want to feel sick, I go hypoglycemic. I always have stomach cramps. I never feel full without meat and dairy products, but meat is scarce on my budget and dairy products give me indigestion. Then there are literal pains in the butt that go along with digestive troubles.
The girly cycle brings extra cramps, extra fatigue, extra chills, extra sweating, and hormone headaches. If I know it's coming, I can clear my schedule to get through it more easily and maybe avoid a sinus infection. Unfortunately irregular cycles are related to adrenal fatigue.
Were I not exhausted to begin with, I would be after all of that.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Brain Fog
When I had a toddler and a newborn, an acquaintance stopped by my house and laughed that I had this sticky note on the fridge:
Shower
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
"You have to remind yourself to do that?" Yeah, actually, I did.
I used to joke that if anything I have to do is not written down it won't happen. It wasn't really that funny because it was that true.
Brain fog is the worst. I can't count the things I've royally screwed up because I just couldn't think. We drove two hundred miles to a theme park to find out I'd left our tickets at home. I showed up at a church function without the door prized I was signed up to bring, not just because I'd forgotten to take them, but I'd forgotten to put them together in the first place. (I even had that one written down.)
I'm not forgetful or irresponsible or careless, so when things like that happen it's a shock to me as well as people who know me. I've always been the dependable one; I keep my eye on the ball and I catch it when anyone drops it. Unfortunately when I'm the one who drops the ball, the people who were depending on me just get irritated that I messed up. It doesn't seem like anybody thinks, "Wow, that's not like her. She must be having a seriously hard time. I wonder how I can help."
Social situations are impossible in a brain fog, especially with any accompanying cold, sinus infection, migraine, cramps, fatigue, heart palpitations, breathing difficulty, or combination of those. The best I can manage is to plaster a smile on my face, try not to slouch, and strain to hear whether anyone is talking directly to me so I can form and execute an appropriate response if necessary.
When my mind is clear, I can actually be witty and entertaining. My friends have told me for years, "You should write a book!" Maybe someday. Right now I'll see if I can pull off a blog.
Shower
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
"You have to remind yourself to do that?" Yeah, actually, I did.
I used to joke that if anything I have to do is not written down it won't happen. It wasn't really that funny because it was that true.
Brain fog is the worst. I can't count the things I've royally screwed up because I just couldn't think. We drove two hundred miles to a theme park to find out I'd left our tickets at home. I showed up at a church function without the door prized I was signed up to bring, not just because I'd forgotten to take them, but I'd forgotten to put them together in the first place. (I even had that one written down.)
I'm not forgetful or irresponsible or careless, so when things like that happen it's a shock to me as well as people who know me. I've always been the dependable one; I keep my eye on the ball and I catch it when anyone drops it. Unfortunately when I'm the one who drops the ball, the people who were depending on me just get irritated that I messed up. It doesn't seem like anybody thinks, "Wow, that's not like her. She must be having a seriously hard time. I wonder how I can help."
Social situations are impossible in a brain fog, especially with any accompanying cold, sinus infection, migraine, cramps, fatigue, heart palpitations, breathing difficulty, or combination of those. The best I can manage is to plaster a smile on my face, try not to slouch, and strain to hear whether anyone is talking directly to me so I can form and execute an appropriate response if necessary.
When my mind is clear, I can actually be witty and entertaining. My friends have told me for years, "You should write a book!" Maybe someday. Right now I'll see if I can pull off a blog.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Always Too Cold
My legs didn't glow in the dark this summer! I've never been very tan before, being always too cold for summer clothes. I was so excited when capris came into fashion because I could wear those with socks and tennies and a tank under a sweater to stay warm but still look summery. I loved August when, for just a few weeks, I wasn't freezing.
It's hard to feel beautiful, bundled up like a burrito.
Besides being too chilly to wear shorts in the summer, I wasn't outside much because jobs and housework sapped so much energy and time that I was too wiped out to play in the sun even if I did finish my work.
In winter (and spring and fall) I'd be bundled in layers and still shivering. At work I kept a heater running under my desk. At home I packaged myself in blankets. It was difficult to even have company over because the house was too warm for everyone else.
I was actually excited when we moved from a home with central heating and air into a house with no air conditioner.
Blood tests showed acceptable thyroid and iron levels. I exercised so I'd have good blood circulation, but as soon as I stopped moving I was chilled to the bone again. Not to mention I felt drained for hours, or even days, after vigorous exercise.
It was embarrassing and frustrating to be always cold. People would good-naturedly tease me about being pale or about dressing for the arctic. It hurt to be told I'd be warmer with more cardiovascular exercise (it felt like I was being called lazy though I know no one meant that) especially when I'd tried it over and over again to no avail.
Since my adrenal exhaustion diagnosis eight months ago I've been taking all my adrenal- and heart-boosting goodies, and I wasn't frozen to the core through the spring. I was able to work in the yard even in the chilly season and feel like a normal person. I'm looking forward to going through this fall and winter as a human, not an icicle.
It's hard to feel beautiful, bundled up like a burrito.
Besides being too chilly to wear shorts in the summer, I wasn't outside much because jobs and housework sapped so much energy and time that I was too wiped out to play in the sun even if I did finish my work.
In winter (and spring and fall) I'd be bundled in layers and still shivering. At work I kept a heater running under my desk. At home I packaged myself in blankets. It was difficult to even have company over because the house was too warm for everyone else.
I was actually excited when we moved from a home with central heating and air into a house with no air conditioner.
Blood tests showed acceptable thyroid and iron levels. I exercised so I'd have good blood circulation, but as soon as I stopped moving I was chilled to the bone again. Not to mention I felt drained for hours, or even days, after vigorous exercise.
It was embarrassing and frustrating to be always cold. People would good-naturedly tease me about being pale or about dressing for the arctic. It hurt to be told I'd be warmer with more cardiovascular exercise (it felt like I was being called lazy though I know no one meant that) especially when I'd tried it over and over again to no avail.
Since my adrenal exhaustion diagnosis eight months ago I've been taking all my adrenal- and heart-boosting goodies, and I wasn't frozen to the core through the spring. I was able to work in the yard even in the chilly season and feel like a normal person. I'm looking forward to going through this fall and winter as a human, not an icicle.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Uphill Road
The best and worst parts of adrenal exhaustion recovery is that it's all me. I don't need frequent clinic visits or treatments, but I do have to remember to take my vitamin, mineral, and herbal supplements, say no even to reasonable demands, monitor my own diet, and rest whether the to-do list is done or not.
Remembering my supplements was simple, at first because I felt so weak that all I could even think about was feeling weak, but taking my vitamins when I was supposed to was something I could actually accomplish. Several weeks after my diagnosis I started re-taking my kitchen, so it was simple to take my vitamins while I was cooking or cleaning up because that's where I store my supplements. God bless my children who had been doing most of the cooking and cleaning for quite some time. It was great to feel like a real parent again.
Saying no is especially difficult, partly because saying no is one of the things that got me into this mess in the first place. The fallout from saying no to social and family obligations just keeps pounding, even years after my "failures to appear". I am blessed to have several true friends who know my heart and understand that I do what I can, so when I do not, it's because I cannot. Those people are my one defense against the fallout.
My diet still seems impossible. Fixing anything at all to eat takes a lot of energy, but it really has to be healthy, quality food, and that just takes a lot more effort. It's too overwhelming to even write about right now.
Resting is something I can do for the first time in my life because my children are teenagers and I taught them early to be responsible and self-sufficient, I'm no longer employed so I can take care of myself, and I've left my husband in charge of bringing home the bacon. I just have to learn to let him worry about it himself when it's not enough.
Remembering my supplements was simple, at first because I felt so weak that all I could even think about was feeling weak, but taking my vitamins when I was supposed to was something I could actually accomplish. Several weeks after my diagnosis I started re-taking my kitchen, so it was simple to take my vitamins while I was cooking or cleaning up because that's where I store my supplements. God bless my children who had been doing most of the cooking and cleaning for quite some time. It was great to feel like a real parent again.
Saying no is especially difficult, partly because saying no is one of the things that got me into this mess in the first place. The fallout from saying no to social and family obligations just keeps pounding, even years after my "failures to appear". I am blessed to have several true friends who know my heart and understand that I do what I can, so when I do not, it's because I cannot. Those people are my one defense against the fallout.
My diet still seems impossible. Fixing anything at all to eat takes a lot of energy, but it really has to be healthy, quality food, and that just takes a lot more effort. It's too overwhelming to even write about right now.
Resting is something I can do for the first time in my life because my children are teenagers and I taught them early to be responsible and self-sufficient, I'm no longer employed so I can take care of myself, and I've left my husband in charge of bringing home the bacon. I just have to learn to let him worry about it himself when it's not enough.
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