The ultimate irony is waking up several times during the night for no apparent reason when you're drop-dead tired.
I'd wake up with one or both arms or a leg completely numb. I'd wake up to use the bathroom. Or I'd wake up and use the bathroom even though I didn't need to, hoping to be able to go back to sleep after that. I'd wake up coughing with a dry throat. I'd wake up too cold. I'd wake up too hot. I'd wake up from a nightmare. I'd wake up drenched in sweat. I'd wake up with a headache. I'd wake up to roll over because my back, neck, hips, and shoulders were so stiff I couldn't turn in my sleep. I'd wake up thinking of all the things I needed to do that day...or last month. I'd wake up reeling with dizziness. I'd wake up with my blood sugar out of control.
Several weeks into adrenal fatigue recovery, and after resigning my job, I started sleeping through the night again. Less often did it take hours to fall asleep even though I was exhausted. Waking up with dead limbs happened less frequently. I'm able to wake up to use the bathroom and go right back to sleep now.
Nine months into adrenal exhaustion recovery I had the energy to scrub the mildew off my bedroom walls which I knew had been there but I couldn't do anything about it. (There are some pretty neat cleansers available, like vinegar and baking soda, that kill mildew but not people.) I've noticed fewer coughing fits, sinus problems, dizziness, and headaches since then.
I never wake up freezing or overheated anymore. Nightmares have become rare. Night sweats still come and go. I wake up in the morning with decreased stiffness and pain. If I eat something with protein before I go to bed, I don't wake up with blood sugar problems. I don't even have the problem of dreaming about overwhelming obligations anymore.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Ohhh, the Holidays...
Money is always tight, but more so when I'm unable to contribute to the household income. This means I make, rather than buy, as many gifts as I can. That's a lot of work. It takes a lot of energy.
The Grinches of the world say that gift-giving is out of control and we should curb it anyway, but I love Christmas and I love to give gifts. Quite frankly, I even like to receive a few myself.
Christmas is coming. I'm too tired to blog.
The Grinches of the world say that gift-giving is out of control and we should curb it anyway, but I love Christmas and I love to give gifts. Quite frankly, I even like to receive a few myself.
Christmas is coming. I'm too tired to blog.
Friday, November 30, 2012
What to Eat, or Not
If I don't eat, I get hypoglycemic. If you don't know what that feels like, think flu. Tremors, headache, dizziness, fatigue, dry mouth, delirium, light-headedness, nausea. None of that is sudden, it starts out all sneaky-like so it's hardly noticeable, and gains in intensity until it feels like I'll collapse. To avoid this, I try to eat at least every three to four hours.
When I do eat, I usually feel like I'm going to throw up. I often feel extremely sleepy after eating, even if I didn't eat very much. All that sort of takes the fun out of eating out or having dinner with friends.
When I eat dairy products, fats, and/or sugars I get abdominal cramps, and when I don't eat them I feel constantly hungry and often hypoglycemic.
What I should be eating is as natural and organic as possible, which is first expensive and second time-consuming to prepare. If I'm too tired to work I can't afford organic food, and if I'm working I'm too tired for all the prep work involved in healthy eating, but the alternative is prepackaged lack of nutrition which is not going to aid in recovery.
Frustrating, to say the least. Besides all that, if everything I eat is going to make me nauseous and give me a stomach ache and indigestion but I must eat to stay alive...it had better taste good.
More frustration has arisen from the slow but steady gains in weight and belly blubber, when my heart isn't strong enough to tolerate exercise, I don't have a budget that allows for constantly buying bigger clothes, and diet changes seem impossible.
So I resorted to my motto, "I do what I can", and my plan of attack has been something like this.
1. Take the prescribed supplements at the prescribed times.
2. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for breakfast within an hour or two of getting up.
3. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for lunch.
4. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for supper.
5. Remember this is what I can do now, and trust that I'll be able to do more later.
I kept telling myself I would eventually have enough energy to pay closer attention to my diet. It turns out that was true. I've been able to muster enough energy in past months to grow and preserve a lot of my own food. I do most of the cooking now instead of my teenagers having to fend for themselves. And a good friend hooked me up with a CSA. http://www.cloudviewecofarm.org/
I haven't been able to do much of anything this summer and fall besides gardening and canning, but it was more than I was able to do last year.
When I do eat, I usually feel like I'm going to throw up. I often feel extremely sleepy after eating, even if I didn't eat very much. All that sort of takes the fun out of eating out or having dinner with friends.
When I eat dairy products, fats, and/or sugars I get abdominal cramps, and when I don't eat them I feel constantly hungry and often hypoglycemic.
What I should be eating is as natural and organic as possible, which is first expensive and second time-consuming to prepare. If I'm too tired to work I can't afford organic food, and if I'm working I'm too tired for all the prep work involved in healthy eating, but the alternative is prepackaged lack of nutrition which is not going to aid in recovery.
Frustrating, to say the least. Besides all that, if everything I eat is going to make me nauseous and give me a stomach ache and indigestion but I must eat to stay alive...it had better taste good.
More frustration has arisen from the slow but steady gains in weight and belly blubber, when my heart isn't strong enough to tolerate exercise, I don't have a budget that allows for constantly buying bigger clothes, and diet changes seem impossible.
So I resorted to my motto, "I do what I can", and my plan of attack has been something like this.
1. Take the prescribed supplements at the prescribed times.
2. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for breakfast within an hour or two of getting up.
3. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for lunch.
4. Eat something, it doesn't matter what, for supper.
5. Remember this is what I can do now, and trust that I'll be able to do more later.
I kept telling myself I would eventually have enough energy to pay closer attention to my diet. It turns out that was true. I've been able to muster enough energy in past months to grow and preserve a lot of my own food. I do most of the cooking now instead of my teenagers having to fend for themselves. And a good friend hooked me up with a CSA. http://www.cloudviewecofarm.org/
I haven't been able to do much of anything this summer and fall besides gardening and canning, but it was more than I was able to do last year.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tradeoff
I seem to be trading off between having a little bit of energy but having deep sharp aches and pains in my joints and muscles, and having milder body aches but feeling drained and breathless. While I would love to have boundless energy with no pain, this arrangement is much better than intense pain with a complete lack of energy. I've done that before and I hope I never have to again.
For a month or so I've been in the mild pain but absence of energy mode. It's so frustrating with the holidays coming because there are so many holiday preparations I want to do (not to mention yard cleanup and winterization) but I have to skip them in favor of the everyday basics--cooking, dishes, laundry, helping with homework.
I do have my children help as much as possible but they have their own chores, jobs, and studies to do too, not to mention their friendships and hobbies, which I believe are just as important. Teenagers need downtime too.
My disappointment at having to skip some holiday activities isn't about meeting anyone's expectations or being perfectionistic. We enjoy the holidays no matter how we spend them. The disappointment is from skipping some of the simplest traditions, things I love to do, because I'm just too tired, and knowing that if I felt better, I could have kept them.
I've slept through the Christmas movies. I've watched the girls decorate the sugar cookies by themselves because I'm too tired to participate. I've said no over and over again to helping build the snowman because I can't handle the cold.
This year might be better. We're still a few weeks away from Christmas. And I'm not as sensitive to cold as I have always been before. I might still sleep through family holiday movie nights, but if we have snow, maybe I'll be able to pitch (and take) a couple of snowballs. Canning season is almost over, so I might have more energy by Christmas time, and, after this canning season, we have plenty of the very best for our holiday feasts.
For a month or so I've been in the mild pain but absence of energy mode. It's so frustrating with the holidays coming because there are so many holiday preparations I want to do (not to mention yard cleanup and winterization) but I have to skip them in favor of the everyday basics--cooking, dishes, laundry, helping with homework.
I do have my children help as much as possible but they have their own chores, jobs, and studies to do too, not to mention their friendships and hobbies, which I believe are just as important. Teenagers need downtime too.
My disappointment at having to skip some holiday activities isn't about meeting anyone's expectations or being perfectionistic. We enjoy the holidays no matter how we spend them. The disappointment is from skipping some of the simplest traditions, things I love to do, because I'm just too tired, and knowing that if I felt better, I could have kept them.
I've slept through the Christmas movies. I've watched the girls decorate the sugar cookies by themselves because I'm too tired to participate. I've said no over and over again to helping build the snowman because I can't handle the cold.
This year might be better. We're still a few weeks away from Christmas. And I'm not as sensitive to cold as I have always been before. I might still sleep through family holiday movie nights, but if we have snow, maybe I'll be able to pitch (and take) a couple of snowballs. Canning season is almost over, so I might have more energy by Christmas time, and, after this canning season, we have plenty of the very best for our holiday feasts.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Skullthrob
It comes on so slowly I barely notice, and when I do notice the pain is pretty dull and I tell myself it'll go away if I take some rest, or if I ignore it, or if I drink water, or if I get some exercise, but the pain only intensifies until I'm trying not to budge because every little movement turns the throb into a stab.
Every sound, every light, every movement in my line of vision, is another stab. The vibration from using my own voice exacerbates it. It feels like I've taken a baseball bat to the forehead, or a Sisera-style stake through the temple. Ibuprofen may or may not touch it.
Ironically, the almost-subconscious attempts to keep still to avoid more pain, put the neck muscles into spasm which aggravates the headache.
If I knew what starts the pain in the first place, I could avoid it. Since I don't know what sets it off, I hesitate to commit to anything because I don't want to have to back out or to fake my way through if I get a headache. I would love to spend the day with a friend, have company, go shopping, take a class, or volunteer, but if a headache comes on in the middle of it, I'm finished.
The headache itself is bad enough, but when it finally leaves--whether it's the next day or three days later--I feel weak and wobbly like Jell-O and I usually have several days' worth of catching up on housework and paperwork piled up that I couldn't get through while my head was pounding. I'd love to delegate, but who else knows how to pay my bills or run my household? And who has the time?
Last night I was blessed enough to have my husband home and not too tired to clean up the kitchen for me after dinner so I didn't have to excavate the counter tops before breakfast this morning. Today I was blessed enough that ibuprofen knocked the ache back.
Headaches have grown less frequent. Nine months into adrenal fatigue recovery I'm happy to report that I'm no longer freezing cold all the time, I'm generally sleeping well at night, and I'm able to get up in the mornings. I haven't had a migraine since I quit working under fluorescent lights every day. (The migraines were even more fun than these headaches.) I focus on those advances when I'm struggling with body aches, joint pain, shortness of breath, sudden sleepiness, abdominal cramps, heart palpitations, excessive sweating, muscle fatigue, brain fog, eyes burning, sinus pressure, the now-rare headache, or other adrenal-related symptom. I have hope.
Every sound, every light, every movement in my line of vision, is another stab. The vibration from using my own voice exacerbates it. It feels like I've taken a baseball bat to the forehead, or a Sisera-style stake through the temple. Ibuprofen may or may not touch it.
Ironically, the almost-subconscious attempts to keep still to avoid more pain, put the neck muscles into spasm which aggravates the headache.
If I knew what starts the pain in the first place, I could avoid it. Since I don't know what sets it off, I hesitate to commit to anything because I don't want to have to back out or to fake my way through if I get a headache. I would love to spend the day with a friend, have company, go shopping, take a class, or volunteer, but if a headache comes on in the middle of it, I'm finished.
The headache itself is bad enough, but when it finally leaves--whether it's the next day or three days later--I feel weak and wobbly like Jell-O and I usually have several days' worth of catching up on housework and paperwork piled up that I couldn't get through while my head was pounding. I'd love to delegate, but who else knows how to pay my bills or run my household? And who has the time?
Last night I was blessed enough to have my husband home and not too tired to clean up the kitchen for me after dinner so I didn't have to excavate the counter tops before breakfast this morning. Today I was blessed enough that ibuprofen knocked the ache back.
Headaches have grown less frequent. Nine months into adrenal fatigue recovery I'm happy to report that I'm no longer freezing cold all the time, I'm generally sleeping well at night, and I'm able to get up in the mornings. I haven't had a migraine since I quit working under fluorescent lights every day. (The migraines were even more fun than these headaches.) I focus on those advances when I'm struggling with body aches, joint pain, shortness of breath, sudden sleepiness, abdominal cramps, heart palpitations, excessive sweating, muscle fatigue, brain fog, eyes burning, sinus pressure, the now-rare headache, or other adrenal-related symptom. I have hope.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
To Catch My Breath
People used to say to me, "That's an awfully deep sigh," or "What's the matter?" Usually I didn't even realize I was taking deep breaths, which apparently made me seem frustrated. Most of the time I was quite content and happy, I was just trying to get enough breath.
As a newlywed my husband often asked me what was wrong. When I would assure him that nothing was wrong, because he was convinced I was upset he would press to get an answer until I really was upset. Looking back I understand that I was taking deep breaths and he thought I was being huffy. He was accustomed to people with turbulent emotions and I wasn't one of those. It took a almost a decade for him to understand that I was just breathing.
Eventually I learned to wait till no one was looking to catch my breath, and inhale quickly and quietly to avoid appearing irritated.
A couple of years ago I suddenly started feeling like I couldn't get enough breath even with a deep sigh. I was alone at work, Googling "feels like I can't breathe" and "can't get enough breath" because I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to move freight and count inventory and I was afraid I would pass out in the warehouse because I couldn't breathe. That went on for over a week. Several days later it started again. The only advice I could find on the world wide web was to try not to think about it. Yes, next time you feel like you're suffocating, just try to forget it.
I didn't bother going to the doctor because I figured I'd get some kind of non-diagnosis like "anxiety attack" and a prescription I didn't need. I understood that anxiety attacks are real, but I also knew that wasn't the cause in my case. A fix would be great, but I wanted to know why this was happening. I wondered if I had walking pneumonia, but the symptoms didn't match up. I wouldn't recommend the internet as a physician, but I didn't have time and money to waste on health care I didn't trust. I knew I was getting enough oxygen because I wasn't turning blue, but I needed to know what was wrong.
After my naturopath diagnosed adrenal exhaustion, I started finding references to shortness of breath being associated with adrenal fatigue. http://www.adrenalfatigueblog.com/2011/07/shortness-of-breath-adrenal-fatigue-syndrome/ It's been months since the last time I experienced that suffocating feeling. I still have to take deep breaths often. If you catch me sighing, don't presume I'm sullen. I'm just trying to stay alive. I have a lot of great reasons to.
As a newlywed my husband often asked me what was wrong. When I would assure him that nothing was wrong, because he was convinced I was upset he would press to get an answer until I really was upset. Looking back I understand that I was taking deep breaths and he thought I was being huffy. He was accustomed to people with turbulent emotions and I wasn't one of those. It took a almost a decade for him to understand that I was just breathing.
Eventually I learned to wait till no one was looking to catch my breath, and inhale quickly and quietly to avoid appearing irritated.
A couple of years ago I suddenly started feeling like I couldn't get enough breath even with a deep sigh. I was alone at work, Googling "feels like I can't breathe" and "can't get enough breath" because I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to move freight and count inventory and I was afraid I would pass out in the warehouse because I couldn't breathe. That went on for over a week. Several days later it started again. The only advice I could find on the world wide web was to try not to think about it. Yes, next time you feel like you're suffocating, just try to forget it.
I didn't bother going to the doctor because I figured I'd get some kind of non-diagnosis like "anxiety attack" and a prescription I didn't need. I understood that anxiety attacks are real, but I also knew that wasn't the cause in my case. A fix would be great, but I wanted to know why this was happening. I wondered if I had walking pneumonia, but the symptoms didn't match up. I wouldn't recommend the internet as a physician, but I didn't have time and money to waste on health care I didn't trust. I knew I was getting enough oxygen because I wasn't turning blue, but I needed to know what was wrong.
After my naturopath diagnosed adrenal exhaustion, I started finding references to shortness of breath being associated with adrenal fatigue. http://www.adrenalfatigueblog.com/2011/07/shortness-of-breath-adrenal-fatigue-syndrome/ It's been months since the last time I experienced that suffocating feeling. I still have to take deep breaths often. If you catch me sighing, don't presume I'm sullen. I'm just trying to stay alive. I have a lot of great reasons to.
Friday, October 26, 2012
The Good Side
There are benefits of being punched in the life. Because I've always had so little energy but loved to accomplish things, I've been forced to find the most efficient ways to direct my time. Because so many people including doctors didn't get what was happening to me, I learned to trust my own judgment and be independent of others' opinions.
I discovered the simple test for discerning between healthy and unhealthy relationships. If I can't keep up but I'm still treated well both to my face and behind my back, I'm in a friendship worthy of what little energy I can invest in it. Often I was shocked to find out how much effort I had poured into a relationship that failed that test. But many times I've been humbled to realize how many people loved me in spite of my inabilities.
It's easy to become discouraged by the endless list of should-have-dones, but looking instead at what I have achieved, especially in pain, with fatigue, and lacking resources, I can be proud of who I am.
I am a master of time management.
I am a master of ignoring the haters.
I am a master of positive attitude.
I am a master of differentiating needs from wants.
I am a master of organization.
I am a master of self-motivation.
I can give myself permission to rest when I need to rest because I need to rest. I can say that I have done everything I can do, to be the best I can be, for God's glory and my family's well-being.
I. Can. Get. It. Done.
I discovered the simple test for discerning between healthy and unhealthy relationships. If I can't keep up but I'm still treated well both to my face and behind my back, I'm in a friendship worthy of what little energy I can invest in it. Often I was shocked to find out how much effort I had poured into a relationship that failed that test. But many times I've been humbled to realize how many people loved me in spite of my inabilities.
It's easy to become discouraged by the endless list of should-have-dones, but looking instead at what I have achieved, especially in pain, with fatigue, and lacking resources, I can be proud of who I am.
I am a master of time management.
I am a master of ignoring the haters.
I am a master of positive attitude.
I am a master of differentiating needs from wants.
I am a master of organization.
I am a master of self-motivation.
I can give myself permission to rest when I need to rest because I need to rest. I can say that I have done everything I can do, to be the best I can be, for God's glory and my family's well-being.
I. Can. Get. It. Done.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thought I Was a Narcolept
I have a sort of phobia about any event that will take me away from home, last very long, or require effort, because I never know when I will suddenly and inexplicably become incredibly and uncontrollably sleepy. We're not talking about the kind of sleepy you can shake off by moving around or talking.
It doesn't matter whether I slept well last night (which for years I didn't). What time I go to bed or get up makes no difference. No amount of coffee, energy drinks, or exercise can stave it off.
It isn't laziness.
It isn't depression.
I researched narcolepsy some time ago but it wasn't feasible to get myself tested, and the treatment plans I read about were common-sense self-care ideas I already used or prescription drugs I didn't want.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001805/
The two most heartbreaking side effects of sudden sleepiness are not being able to follow through with activities I want to engage in, particularly with people I love, and being presumed snobbish or rude. I can feel myself starting to fade, I lose the ability to focus on conversation, my muscle strength disappears, and I have to intentionally maintain a pleasant facial expression because I apparently look angry or upset if I don't. It's hard to hold your face up when you're sleeping.
I wish I could hold a couple of jobs. I love working, I like people, and I enjoy busyness. I want to get up early every morning. I love to stay up late at night. I take joy in accomplishing things. I'd love to take classes, and teach classes, and learn new things. But I can't depend on my own self.
It was a huge relief to learn about adrenal exhaustion, to understand why I couldn't stay awake, and to find out I can recover from adrenal exhaustion, whereas narcolepsy would have been a lifelong condition. I'm happy I'm not a narcoleptic, but let me tell you, I can identify with one.
It doesn't matter whether I slept well last night (which for years I didn't). What time I go to bed or get up makes no difference. No amount of coffee, energy drinks, or exercise can stave it off.
It isn't laziness.
It isn't depression.
I researched narcolepsy some time ago but it wasn't feasible to get myself tested, and the treatment plans I read about were common-sense self-care ideas I already used or prescription drugs I didn't want.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001805/
The two most heartbreaking side effects of sudden sleepiness are not being able to follow through with activities I want to engage in, particularly with people I love, and being presumed snobbish or rude. I can feel myself starting to fade, I lose the ability to focus on conversation, my muscle strength disappears, and I have to intentionally maintain a pleasant facial expression because I apparently look angry or upset if I don't. It's hard to hold your face up when you're sleeping.
I wish I could hold a couple of jobs. I love working, I like people, and I enjoy busyness. I want to get up early every morning. I love to stay up late at night. I take joy in accomplishing things. I'd love to take classes, and teach classes, and learn new things. But I can't depend on my own self.
It was a huge relief to learn about adrenal exhaustion, to understand why I couldn't stay awake, and to find out I can recover from adrenal exhaustion, whereas narcolepsy would have been a lifelong condition. I'm happy I'm not a narcoleptic, but let me tell you, I can identify with one.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
What It Feels Like
You know how it feels the day after you've had the flu, when you're not sick anymore but you feel drained of life? That's the tired-all-the-time that adrenal fatigue feels like. It's just that it's every day.
Every muscle and joint aches and burns all the time, some times worse than others. Being always cold makes me tense up, which aggravates the aches.
Headaches are frequent and vary in intensity, and under fluorescent light evolve into migraines. Being always cold...aggravates.
Sinus pain and pressure are constant companions and are affected by atmospheric pressure. Thus, if I come under any physical or emotional stress, or if I fail to drink a half gallon of water a day, or if I lose any sleep, or if I catch a cold, or if the barometer moves, I get a sinus infection. With a sinus headache. Which has the potential to evolve into brain searing, mind shearing, head splitting, ear piercing, suicide inducing, unimaginable, indescribable migraine pain.
My neck and throat always feel tender and swollen. My eyes always burn. My ears always ring. My throat is always dry. My face is always broken out.
I figured out in my early twenties that I was hypoglycemic and taught myself how to manage it as best I could. I didn't learn till my late thirties that hypoglycemia is a symptom of adrenal fatigue. Hypoglycemia causes tremors, heart palpitations, accelerated heart rate, sweating, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, occasionally loss of consciousness, and my personal favorite: headaches.
I'm hungry all the time. Everything I eat makes me feel sick to my stomach. If I don't eat because I don't want to feel sick, I go hypoglycemic. I always have stomach cramps. I never feel full without meat and dairy products, but meat is scarce on my budget and dairy products give me indigestion. Then there are literal pains in the butt that go along with digestive troubles.
The girly cycle brings extra cramps, extra fatigue, extra chills, extra sweating, and hormone headaches. If I know it's coming, I can clear my schedule to get through it more easily and maybe avoid a sinus infection. Unfortunately irregular cycles are related to adrenal fatigue.
Were I not exhausted to begin with, I would be after all of that.
Every muscle and joint aches and burns all the time, some times worse than others. Being always cold makes me tense up, which aggravates the aches.
Headaches are frequent and vary in intensity, and under fluorescent light evolve into migraines. Being always cold...aggravates.
Sinus pain and pressure are constant companions and are affected by atmospheric pressure. Thus, if I come under any physical or emotional stress, or if I fail to drink a half gallon of water a day, or if I lose any sleep, or if I catch a cold, or if the barometer moves, I get a sinus infection. With a sinus headache. Which has the potential to evolve into brain searing, mind shearing, head splitting, ear piercing, suicide inducing, unimaginable, indescribable migraine pain.
My neck and throat always feel tender and swollen. My eyes always burn. My ears always ring. My throat is always dry. My face is always broken out.
I figured out in my early twenties that I was hypoglycemic and taught myself how to manage it as best I could. I didn't learn till my late thirties that hypoglycemia is a symptom of adrenal fatigue. Hypoglycemia causes tremors, heart palpitations, accelerated heart rate, sweating, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, occasionally loss of consciousness, and my personal favorite: headaches.
I'm hungry all the time. Everything I eat makes me feel sick to my stomach. If I don't eat because I don't want to feel sick, I go hypoglycemic. I always have stomach cramps. I never feel full without meat and dairy products, but meat is scarce on my budget and dairy products give me indigestion. Then there are literal pains in the butt that go along with digestive troubles.
The girly cycle brings extra cramps, extra fatigue, extra chills, extra sweating, and hormone headaches. If I know it's coming, I can clear my schedule to get through it more easily and maybe avoid a sinus infection. Unfortunately irregular cycles are related to adrenal fatigue.
Were I not exhausted to begin with, I would be after all of that.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Brain Fog
When I had a toddler and a newborn, an acquaintance stopped by my house and laughed that I had this sticky note on the fridge:
Shower
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
"You have to remind yourself to do that?" Yeah, actually, I did.
I used to joke that if anything I have to do is not written down it won't happen. It wasn't really that funny because it was that true.
Brain fog is the worst. I can't count the things I've royally screwed up because I just couldn't think. We drove two hundred miles to a theme park to find out I'd left our tickets at home. I showed up at a church function without the door prized I was signed up to bring, not just because I'd forgotten to take them, but I'd forgotten to put them together in the first place. (I even had that one written down.)
I'm not forgetful or irresponsible or careless, so when things like that happen it's a shock to me as well as people who know me. I've always been the dependable one; I keep my eye on the ball and I catch it when anyone drops it. Unfortunately when I'm the one who drops the ball, the people who were depending on me just get irritated that I messed up. It doesn't seem like anybody thinks, "Wow, that's not like her. She must be having a seriously hard time. I wonder how I can help."
Social situations are impossible in a brain fog, especially with any accompanying cold, sinus infection, migraine, cramps, fatigue, heart palpitations, breathing difficulty, or combination of those. The best I can manage is to plaster a smile on my face, try not to slouch, and strain to hear whether anyone is talking directly to me so I can form and execute an appropriate response if necessary.
When my mind is clear, I can actually be witty and entertaining. My friends have told me for years, "You should write a book!" Maybe someday. Right now I'll see if I can pull off a blog.
Shower
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
"You have to remind yourself to do that?" Yeah, actually, I did.
I used to joke that if anything I have to do is not written down it won't happen. It wasn't really that funny because it was that true.
Brain fog is the worst. I can't count the things I've royally screwed up because I just couldn't think. We drove two hundred miles to a theme park to find out I'd left our tickets at home. I showed up at a church function without the door prized I was signed up to bring, not just because I'd forgotten to take them, but I'd forgotten to put them together in the first place. (I even had that one written down.)
I'm not forgetful or irresponsible or careless, so when things like that happen it's a shock to me as well as people who know me. I've always been the dependable one; I keep my eye on the ball and I catch it when anyone drops it. Unfortunately when I'm the one who drops the ball, the people who were depending on me just get irritated that I messed up. It doesn't seem like anybody thinks, "Wow, that's not like her. She must be having a seriously hard time. I wonder how I can help."
Social situations are impossible in a brain fog, especially with any accompanying cold, sinus infection, migraine, cramps, fatigue, heart palpitations, breathing difficulty, or combination of those. The best I can manage is to plaster a smile on my face, try not to slouch, and strain to hear whether anyone is talking directly to me so I can form and execute an appropriate response if necessary.
When my mind is clear, I can actually be witty and entertaining. My friends have told me for years, "You should write a book!" Maybe someday. Right now I'll see if I can pull off a blog.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Always Too Cold
My legs didn't glow in the dark this summer! I've never been very tan before, being always too cold for summer clothes. I was so excited when capris came into fashion because I could wear those with socks and tennies and a tank under a sweater to stay warm but still look summery. I loved August when, for just a few weeks, I wasn't freezing.
It's hard to feel beautiful, bundled up like a burrito.
Besides being too chilly to wear shorts in the summer, I wasn't outside much because jobs and housework sapped so much energy and time that I was too wiped out to play in the sun even if I did finish my work.
In winter (and spring and fall) I'd be bundled in layers and still shivering. At work I kept a heater running under my desk. At home I packaged myself in blankets. It was difficult to even have company over because the house was too warm for everyone else.
I was actually excited when we moved from a home with central heating and air into a house with no air conditioner.
Blood tests showed acceptable thyroid and iron levels. I exercised so I'd have good blood circulation, but as soon as I stopped moving I was chilled to the bone again. Not to mention I felt drained for hours, or even days, after vigorous exercise.
It was embarrassing and frustrating to be always cold. People would good-naturedly tease me about being pale or about dressing for the arctic. It hurt to be told I'd be warmer with more cardiovascular exercise (it felt like I was being called lazy though I know no one meant that) especially when I'd tried it over and over again to no avail.
Since my adrenal exhaustion diagnosis eight months ago I've been taking all my adrenal- and heart-boosting goodies, and I wasn't frozen to the core through the spring. I was able to work in the yard even in the chilly season and feel like a normal person. I'm looking forward to going through this fall and winter as a human, not an icicle.
It's hard to feel beautiful, bundled up like a burrito.
Besides being too chilly to wear shorts in the summer, I wasn't outside much because jobs and housework sapped so much energy and time that I was too wiped out to play in the sun even if I did finish my work.
In winter (and spring and fall) I'd be bundled in layers and still shivering. At work I kept a heater running under my desk. At home I packaged myself in blankets. It was difficult to even have company over because the house was too warm for everyone else.
I was actually excited when we moved from a home with central heating and air into a house with no air conditioner.
Blood tests showed acceptable thyroid and iron levels. I exercised so I'd have good blood circulation, but as soon as I stopped moving I was chilled to the bone again. Not to mention I felt drained for hours, or even days, after vigorous exercise.
It was embarrassing and frustrating to be always cold. People would good-naturedly tease me about being pale or about dressing for the arctic. It hurt to be told I'd be warmer with more cardiovascular exercise (it felt like I was being called lazy though I know no one meant that) especially when I'd tried it over and over again to no avail.
Since my adrenal exhaustion diagnosis eight months ago I've been taking all my adrenal- and heart-boosting goodies, and I wasn't frozen to the core through the spring. I was able to work in the yard even in the chilly season and feel like a normal person. I'm looking forward to going through this fall and winter as a human, not an icicle.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Uphill Road
The best and worst parts of adrenal exhaustion recovery is that it's all me. I don't need frequent clinic visits or treatments, but I do have to remember to take my vitamin, mineral, and herbal supplements, say no even to reasonable demands, monitor my own diet, and rest whether the to-do list is done or not.
Remembering my supplements was simple, at first because I felt so weak that all I could even think about was feeling weak, but taking my vitamins when I was supposed to was something I could actually accomplish. Several weeks after my diagnosis I started re-taking my kitchen, so it was simple to take my vitamins while I was cooking or cleaning up because that's where I store my supplements. God bless my children who had been doing most of the cooking and cleaning for quite some time. It was great to feel like a real parent again.
Saying no is especially difficult, partly because saying no is one of the things that got me into this mess in the first place. The fallout from saying no to social and family obligations just keeps pounding, even years after my "failures to appear". I am blessed to have several true friends who know my heart and understand that I do what I can, so when I do not, it's because I cannot. Those people are my one defense against the fallout.
My diet still seems impossible. Fixing anything at all to eat takes a lot of energy, but it really has to be healthy, quality food, and that just takes a lot more effort. It's too overwhelming to even write about right now.
Resting is something I can do for the first time in my life because my children are teenagers and I taught them early to be responsible and self-sufficient, I'm no longer employed so I can take care of myself, and I've left my husband in charge of bringing home the bacon. I just have to learn to let him worry about it himself when it's not enough.
Remembering my supplements was simple, at first because I felt so weak that all I could even think about was feeling weak, but taking my vitamins when I was supposed to was something I could actually accomplish. Several weeks after my diagnosis I started re-taking my kitchen, so it was simple to take my vitamins while I was cooking or cleaning up because that's where I store my supplements. God bless my children who had been doing most of the cooking and cleaning for quite some time. It was great to feel like a real parent again.
Saying no is especially difficult, partly because saying no is one of the things that got me into this mess in the first place. The fallout from saying no to social and family obligations just keeps pounding, even years after my "failures to appear". I am blessed to have several true friends who know my heart and understand that I do what I can, so when I do not, it's because I cannot. Those people are my one defense against the fallout.
My diet still seems impossible. Fixing anything at all to eat takes a lot of energy, but it really has to be healthy, quality food, and that just takes a lot more effort. It's too overwhelming to even write about right now.
Resting is something I can do for the first time in my life because my children are teenagers and I taught them early to be responsible and self-sufficient, I'm no longer employed so I can take care of myself, and I've left my husband in charge of bringing home the bacon. I just have to learn to let him worry about it himself when it's not enough.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Why I Didn't Say
Most people never knew I was experiencing debilitating pain and fatigue. Some have even expressed guilt as if they should have seen it, or frustration that I didn't talk about it.
I did talk about it...just not often. Here's why.
Having a diagnosis, an explanation for my inability to function at full capacity, is liberating. It's not a psychological problem. I don't have to explain how I feel, but you can get a pretty good idea if you visit http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/ or read the articles and forums that come up if you Google "tired all the time".
I talk about it now because I can offer support to the "invisibly ill", and possibly even help them to be understood by the healthy population. It's not all in our heads, people. This is real.
I did talk about it...just not often. Here's why.
- Nobody likes a whiner.
- Experience says most people won't believe or understand.
- I want what I say to be positive, encouraging, or at the very least, funny.
- I couldn't escape the anguish but I had the power to ignore it in conversation.
- The problem is so complex that the thought of trying to explain it seems overwhelming.
- Talking about it makes it "bigger".
- If I have time and energy to explain how I feel, I'd rather use it for something beneficial to my family.
- No matter how incapacitated I feel, the joy and hope I have in Christ Jesus is actually greater.
Having a diagnosis, an explanation for my inability to function at full capacity, is liberating. It's not a psychological problem. I don't have to explain how I feel, but you can get a pretty good idea if you visit http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/ or read the articles and forums that come up if you Google "tired all the time".
I talk about it now because I can offer support to the "invisibly ill", and possibly even help them to be understood by the healthy population. It's not all in our heads, people. This is real.
Treatment Plan
The naturopath said, "I think we can safely say you are beyond Adrenal Fatigue, into Adrenal Exhaustion." Treatment plan:
Meanwhile, I quit my massage practice because I was too out of breath (especially if a client wanted to converse), my heart beat too hard to keep up, my muscle strength would just give out so I couldn't do the work, and I couldn't stay awake through a one-hour massage. I would literally give a massage with my eyes closed. My clients would get off the table at the end of a session feeling so relaxed they would say, "Ahh, I'm going to go home and take a nap!" Little did they know I did exactly that myself--for the entire rest of the day.
- Megadose of multivitamins with minerals
- Quality filtered fish oil
- Herbal adrenal support syrup
- Vitamin D
- Multivitamin tablets: capsules are usually made with fresher ingredients therefore more beneficial, whereas tablets are generally older ingredients pressed together and often not digested or absorbed well by the body.
- Cod liver oil capsules: unless you're sure they're a high quality filtered fish oil, they could actually be harmful because of mercury and/or other pollutants. (She actually asked my permission to throw them away, which she did on the spot.)
- Colloidal minerals: I wouldn't need them if I took the multivitamin she prescribed because it would contain the minerals.
- Adrenal capsules: I wouldn't need those either if I took the herbal adrenal support syrup she recommended.
Meanwhile, I quit my massage practice because I was too out of breath (especially if a client wanted to converse), my heart beat too hard to keep up, my muscle strength would just give out so I couldn't do the work, and I couldn't stay awake through a one-hour massage. I would literally give a massage with my eyes closed. My clients would get off the table at the end of a session feeling so relaxed they would say, "Ahh, I'm going to go home and take a nap!" Little did they know I did exactly that myself--for the entire rest of the day.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Doctors Say I'm Fine
Only in my thirties and living a pretty decent lifestyle I shouldn't feel like my heart would give out at any moment, but I finally resorted to researching my symptoms on Google because the doctor said I was healthy. I wanted to be healthy, but I LIVE in this body, and I'm telling you, THIS is NOT HEALTHY.
I was exhausted all the time, not just "I don't feel like getting up," but "I CAN'T get up." It was a major effort to get out of bed, to take a shower, to stand up off the couch, to get out of the car. Exercise wasn't even possible most of the time.
I felt hungry all the time but everything I ate either made me sick to my stomach or gave me abdominal cramps.
I couldn't sleep when I needed to sleep and I couldn't stay awake when I needed to be awake. I literally pinched myself or bit my lip to stay awake at work, through church, in meetings, and while driving. All day I prayed for bedtime to come, and all night I'd pray for morning.
Every bone, muscle, ligament, tendon, organ, and joint in my body ached and burned, all the time. I couldn't live on pain killers, but what COULD I do?
My face was constantly broken out. My neck always felt swollen. I had migraines, sinus headaches, chronic colds and sinus infections, heart palpitations, and constant back-neck-shoulder pain.
My mind was so foggy that even reading was impossible. By the time I got to the end of a paragraph or even a sentence I had forgotten what the first part said. Trying to hold my household and family together and keep up with social obligations (while I looked fine but felt miserable) was a huge mental tax.
I'd tried multivitamins, minerals, cod liver oil, resetting my internal body clock, sleeping more often, working harder, exercise, yoga, coffee, Red Bull, blood tests for hormone levels, ignoring the pain, giving in to the pain, and nothing helped except Vicodin. (Now I see how soccer moms turn addicts.)
After quietly living my whole life like this, I started searching the internet to try to find out why I was so tired all the time. The answer I kept finding was adrenal exhaustion. Then my mom took me to her naturopath, who diagnosed me with exactly that. She said there is hope for full recovery. And she said it's going to take a long time.
I was exhausted all the time, not just "I don't feel like getting up," but "I CAN'T get up." It was a major effort to get out of bed, to take a shower, to stand up off the couch, to get out of the car. Exercise wasn't even possible most of the time.
I felt hungry all the time but everything I ate either made me sick to my stomach or gave me abdominal cramps.
I couldn't sleep when I needed to sleep and I couldn't stay awake when I needed to be awake. I literally pinched myself or bit my lip to stay awake at work, through church, in meetings, and while driving. All day I prayed for bedtime to come, and all night I'd pray for morning.
Every bone, muscle, ligament, tendon, organ, and joint in my body ached and burned, all the time. I couldn't live on pain killers, but what COULD I do?
My face was constantly broken out. My neck always felt swollen. I had migraines, sinus headaches, chronic colds and sinus infections, heart palpitations, and constant back-neck-shoulder pain.
My mind was so foggy that even reading was impossible. By the time I got to the end of a paragraph or even a sentence I had forgotten what the first part said. Trying to hold my household and family together and keep up with social obligations (while I looked fine but felt miserable) was a huge mental tax.
I'd tried multivitamins, minerals, cod liver oil, resetting my internal body clock, sleeping more often, working harder, exercise, yoga, coffee, Red Bull, blood tests for hormone levels, ignoring the pain, giving in to the pain, and nothing helped except Vicodin. (Now I see how soccer moms turn addicts.)
After quietly living my whole life like this, I started searching the internet to try to find out why I was so tired all the time. The answer I kept finding was adrenal exhaustion. Then my mom took me to her naturopath, who diagnosed me with exactly that. She said there is hope for full recovery. And she said it's going to take a long time.
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